The control he has over me.🍒

 Him being older doesn't help matters. If he were younger, I wouldn't even care, like, "What the hell?" But no, he's experienced, he sees the world through different eyes. I feel like I'll never find someone who makes me feel as good as he does. Sometimes I try to convince myself he's nothing and nobody, but then I find myself thinking about him, and how he controls my life, even involuntarily.

And I know he's not all that, and that I shouldn't let him control me, but I like it. I like the control he has over my life. I like to think about whether he'd like me to be doing that or not, and I don't know, I guess I like having someone in control of my life, because I don't. And I know he doesn't love me, I know he only desires me, but sometimes I want more than that, but I don't want to leave my comfort zone, which is in his arms, in his scent.

And sometimes I stop to think that maybe, if I were less attached, would I really be doing this? Settling for so little? Filling the void my father left behind back then with him now, and I thought it hadn't affected me, and it hadn't, until he came into my life. And then everything comes flooding back. If someone gives me a little more affection, care, or attention, I'm trapped, and I don't want that for myself. I won't accept a life I don't deserve.

Sometimes I feel like I'm destroying homes, ending marriages, but no. Their marriage was already destroyed, and he did it. I won't take the blame for something I didn't do.

People ask me what I saw in him, and I always say I just think he's hot and want to fuck him. But that's not the truth. The truth is that with him, I feel beautiful, heard, and desired, and I haven't felt that with anyone else. Ever. I think I like the way he makes me feel more than him. And I feel like I'll never feel that with anyone else. No one smells like longing like you.

I always end up going back to him, sinking back into my dependence on him, especially because I treat him like my safe haven, my place to go if something goes wrong. And that's not right, especially because he's not all that, never has been, never to me, and I don't know why I insist on saying he is.

Lately, I've been thinking about myself as I was before and as I am now. And it's like he's changed me. It seems like I'm always nervous now. I don't like myself when I'm with him; I don't like myself anymore.

But I mostly hate that I can't hate you, not even a little. Not even for a second, and not even just for hating you.

I feel like when I sink back into you, nothing changes, nothing ever changes. And I know I can't change any man, and I definitely won't be able to change a man like you. But I still want something to change, just a little, for me.

                                                          with sadness, cherry.